The transaction was heartbreaking and freeing. When Stern asked whether she'd ever "really been loved," Lopez hesitated before responding flatly: "No." Then there was the insight born of four marriages, an unspecified number of relationships, and what appears to be profligate work in therapy: "What I learned, it's not that I'm not lovable—it's that they're not capable."
The External Validation Trap
Lopez's admission holds a truth that we all struggle with. She spoke of being given "all the rings, all the things I could ever want. The houses, the rings, the marriage." For years, she—like many of us—confused these outward trappings with love itself. The big gestures, the loud proclamations, the tangible evidence—they can all be confused with love, until you find that you're still hollow within.
What makes Lopez's confession so compelling is that she's a woman who apparently has everything our culture says one needs to be happy: fame, looks, success, money, and very public professions of love from high-profile mates. But she's bravely admitting that none of it satisfied the space where connection should be.
The Turning Point
Her latest divorce—from Ben Affleck—seems to have been life-changing in the worst but most necessary way. "When I got divorced this last time, it was the best thing that ever happened to me," she explained to Stern. Instead of repeating past patterns, she went on what sounds like an exhaustive process of self-exploration, with "a religious coach, I had a therapist, a couple's therapist, an individual therapist, I had a coach to learn about addiction."
This vow to know herself—"I'm gonna f---in' figure this s--- out if it kills me"—is a move from seeking love outside of herself to knowing she must first find it inside of herself. Her conclusion? "The core of the thing is you—it's nobody else."
From "Glimpses" to Wholeness
Maybe the most moving part of the interview was when Stern asked whether she'd known the mutual, satisfying kind of love. "Glimpses," she said—a word that will mean something to anyone who's experienced something lovely but couldn't hold on.Most people accept these glimpses, reassuring themselves that fleeting intimacy is the best they'll ever do. What's admirable about Lopez is that she's not accepting it. At 56, with a lifetime spent in the spotlight and several extremely public relationships, she's still waiting for the real thing.
The Liberation in "They're Not Capable"
There's wonderful freedom in Lopez's awareness. So many times when relationships don't work, we personalize the breakdown—we weren't pretty enough, successful enough, interesting enough. Lopez is turning this on its head: sometimes people give you everything they've got, and it still isn't enough—not because you're demanding too much, but because they simply don't have the ability to give what you require.This is not about blaming her past partners, but about seeing compatibility in capability. She admits that they "gave me all of it, every time"—they were not holding back on purpose. They just didn't have anything else to give.
The Journey to Self-Love
Lopez acknowledged that part of the cycle was that "I didn't love myself" in those relationships. We can all identify with wanting from others the approval we need to give ourselves. Her current place—"able to sit here in a much more self-assured, self-aware way"—implies she's done the difficult work of shattering that cycle.
Her stating of now being "really comfortable and good in being myself, all the good parts and all the kind of complicated things" is the basis on which healthy love can actually be constructed.
What This Means for the Rest of Us
You don't have to be a world superstar to identify with Lopez's journey. Her narrative reflects what many people learn in therapy, through self-improvement, or following excruciating breakups:
External validation never fills internal emptiness
Knowing your worth means not accepting less than you deserve
At times, love fails not due to you, but due to capacity mismatches
The relationship that matters most in your life will be the one you have with yourself
External validation never fills internal emptiness
Knowing your worth means not accepting less than you deserve
At times, love fails not due to you, but due to capacity mismatches
The relationship that matters most in your life will be the one you have with yourself
The Hope in Holding Out
When Stern said to Lopez, "I wish that for you," and she thanked him, it was a lovely moment of human connection. It also means she hasn't lost hope for true love—she's just more particular about what exactly that is.Her story makes us learn that it's never too late to redefine love for you. That leaving relationships that don't work for you isn't failure—it's self-respect. That being alone is more than being with someone who can't love you the way you need to be loved.
Jennifer Lopez's candor provides license for all of us to admit our own relationship realities, to cease blaming ourselves for relationships that weren't meant to be, and to wait for the love we deserve—not the love others can provide.
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